You Find Me, a modern-day psalm

[My Revive Psalm, circa2014 ]

I can’t do this anymore. I am exhausted. I am overwhelmed. I don’t know who I am anymore. I am alone. Pressure to perform hangs over me like a guillotine, the blade poised to drop and end this façade at any moment. I’ve been so many things for so many people for so long.  I no longer know what’s truly me. I am worn thin. The struggle is real. Can anyone see? Does anyone notice I’m lost inside? Can anyone tell the inside is caving while the outside is smiling, saying that rehearsed line yet another time, “I’m good. You?” ?

Yet in the struggle, You find me, O Lord. You hear my unspoken cries and you come to me; you draw me in close. You speak beautiful Truth in my ear, the sweet somethings whispered to my aching heart. “You are altogether beautiful, my love…” “I called you out of darkness into the light.” “You are beautifully and wonderfully made.” “…there is no flaw in you.” “I knit you together in your mother’s womb.” “I know you, all of you, and I love you no matter what you do or don’t do.”

The weight of disappointment falls off my shoulders. I look into Your eyes and Your love washes over me, warming me from the inside out, leaving no part untouched. I can rest in Your arms, find rest and peace in You. Knowing you care more for my being than my doing. There is none like You Lord. You see the deepest parts of me, yet every time I come to You, You pull me into Your arms saying, “Oh there you are! Come here.” The judgment’s the same every time. “I love you. Don’t worry about it. I took care of it.” I am loved and accepted. You are faithful. You speak only Truth, not just words I want to hear, not condemnation, not “you should’ve done better.”  You are love. You are peace. Thank you, Jesus, for finding me, seeing through my mask, inviting me into You over and over again.

The Judge

I am standing in a courtroom, front and center. To my right and slightly behind is a table. Just out of my peripheral vision, my attorney, I know, is standing behind it. I can feel several pairs of eyes boring into the back of me from the onlookers in the pews behind me, some are those whose cases will come after mine, some are merely here for the show. Directly in front of me, tall and foreboding, sits the judge’s bench, the “Mercy seat”.  The Judge himself is leaning over the edge to look down on me. A recorder to my left is reading off a long list of my sins. It seems to echo on forever. His voice is muffled and indistinct. My palms are sweating, heart is racing. I can’t make eye contact with anyone. I steal a glance up at the Judge. His gaze points off in the distance, listening intently to my crimes, brow furrowed, there is an anger on his face. I turn away quickly. Finally, the recorder stops speaking. There is a silence of anticipation hovering thickly in the air. The voice of the jury reverberates through the hall. The only word distinguishable to my pounding ears is “guilty”. My breath catches in my chest. I know the sentence is isolation… execution… death. I look up into the face of the Judge. Where the anger sat before, there is a sadness as He looks directly into my eyes. An impregnable pause fills the room. A voice from behind speaks, breaking determinedly into the silence, “Father, do you want me to take this?” The Judge breaks eye contact, looking past me. His voice is calm and steady as he replies, “Yes.” I turn to my right, following his gaze to see my Savior.  A young man, in his 30s, tall, rugged, with shaggy brown hair that covers his head and face, meets my stare. His eyes seem to penetrate directly into my soul, the overwhelming emotion in them, love. He smiles as he passes me to the front of the courtroom. He looks on his Father, sitting in the Judge’s seat; a knowing look of sadness, love, and justice passes between them. As the guards take him through the doors that lead to the judgment sentence that once had my name on it, Jesus looks back on me and winks, as if to say “I’ll be back”. The doors close behind my Savior. I am rooted to the spot where I stand. I am overwhelmed. I am in shock. My mind is grasping for understanding on what just transpired. A voice breaks into the chaos of my thoughts. I look up. The Judge is smiling at me. There is compassion and love in his eyes. There is a joy in His voice as he calls me up to the witness stand beside him.  I am no longer stuck in my place of condemnation. I have been positioned next to the Judge, entrusted in a place of help, of importance in the cases to come. I have a purpose, accepted in the courtroom. 

Control Issues

I don't know about you all, but I have some control issues. I want to be in control... of everything: my life, my job, my family, my surroundings, my problems, my friends' problems. I frequently find myself trying to fix it... doesn't matter what "it" is, or whether or not I have the know-how or experience. Some things I've learned about control are as follows:

1.It puts emphasis on the individual. It's all about me: what I know, what I can do, and how "amazing" I am.

2. It rejects community and gives an excuse for a lack of vulnerability in relationships. In my own experience, I am quick to offer advice, but slow to ask for it. Reasons for my independence abound, such as: "I can handle it.", " I don't want to bother them.", "She just wouldn't understand.". So, I end up bottling up my struggles and trying to "fix it" myself.

3. It can result in unnecessary stress and strain. Being "in control" can seem like freedom, but at the end of the day, it feels like pressure. The weight of every situation you're "in control" over finds it's way to rest on your shoulders. I tend to be an over-thinker, so the end of my day consists of going back through all the decisions I made today and wonder if I said the right thing, did the right thing, if the advice I gave is going to altar the course of that person's life and sanity! Okay, that is a bit extreme, but you get the idea. What seemed like a good idea at the time, can be a source of stress later. And that is not how life was intended.

When scripture mentions "control", it is almost always in reference to "self-control". To clarify, this is not an "I do it myself" kind of control. It's more of an "I'm not going to overreact" kind of control. We don't always have control over our emotions, but we do have the ability to control the actions we take under the influence of those emotions.

I am frequently reminded that I am not in control. I can't fix the world's problems. I don't have all the answers. Often times, I don't even have enough answers for myself! Luckily for the world at large and for myself, I am not in control. Jesus is! Hebrews 2:8 states"...Now in putting everything in subjection to him, he left nothing outside his control." 

Jesus is in control. Whew! That is a relief! I know he has my best interests at heart. (Jeremiah 29:11) I know I don't have to live life on my own, because he is with me. (Deuteronomy 31:6) He has even given me people in my life to help me when I don't have the answers.(Genesis 2:18, Hebrews 10:24-25)

My City

In light of recent events, I am torn emotionally for my city. I am saddened and embarrassed by the reactions of violence and destruction. I am overwhelmed with compassion for the affected communities. I am inspired to help those afflicted by this escalating tragedy of events. I have this internal cry in my soul that longs for peace in my city. In the midst of all these emotions, I am reminded that my heart does not yearn the most for this city, because ultimately, at the end of the day, this city isn't mine, it belongs to God. In praying for this city of Saint Louis in all its current struggles, I was reminded of this song. (listen/watch here; lyrics listed below found here)

                                                                   "God of This City"
                                                                 

You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are

[Verse 2]
You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

[Chorus]
For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City

[Verse 1]

[Verse 2]

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

[Chorus]
For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here

There is no one like our god
There is no one like our God

[Chorus]
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here

Tragedy vs Truth

I recently moved to the St Louis area, just in time for this most recent tragedy surrounding the death of a young Michael Brown. Words and wisdom are very difficult in everyday life, but it feels nearly impossible surrounding tragedy, especially when death is involved. I don't claim to know what the best response is in this situation, but I have difficulty believing the current course of action by some individuals resulting in the destruction of businesses is what brings justice to Michael Brown. 

In times like these I look to the wisdom of those around me that I trust. My dear friend David posted the following words on his blog and I must say that I agree with him. I encourage you to read his words here. In the meantime, I'm praying for peace for the Brown family, their community, and our city.

Late Nights

I've talked to enough people to know that I am not alone in my odd and strangely deep thought processes as soon as my head hits the pillow. It seems like my brain decides that's the perfect time to reflect on all the things I did throughout the day and how they could've been done better and what I didn't get done that I should have. It's also apparently the perfect time to reflect on what-ifs, both in a dreamy and also a terrifying way. Late night conversations tend to go either the route of insanely ridiculous, such as discussion over "chocolate cheese" or "The Great Dipper", or the deeply profound, such as "What do you think God is thinking as he's looking down on us right now?" or "If we're still together in 5 years, where do you see us?" Both trains of thought seem to perplex my boyfriend in the tired hours of night or wee hours of the morn. 

One such late night ramble of the insanely deep woke me up with this set of lines resembling something like a poem. I'm not sure what it means, though I'd be interested in your interpretations, both serious and/or sarcastic.

The Late Night Poem?

I am sitting here, just standing still, like a freeze-frame ocean

Behind the photo there're vast waters teaming with thoughts crashing over one another

But to the world I am still, because I have to be

Because if I let out the noise they all look at me, they give That stare which calls into question my very soul

What am I worth? This vast ocean with its raging waters underneath a sea of calm...

Which part of me is real? Can one be reconciled to a raft that can stand the tide?

These thoughts of mine as I'm sitting here, standing still

Favorite Bible Verse/ A Post from the Past

Recently a friend of mine challenged me to post a favorite scripture verse on Facebook. This got me thinking about verses that got me through difficult times in my life. The first that came to mind was this:

 Song of Solomon 2:7 "I adjure you, O Daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or does of the field, do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases."

This was a particular powerful verse for me as a single girl in her 20s watching all my friends get into relationships, get married and start having children, while all I had in that department were everyone's questions about when I was going to start dating, finding a man, etc... because it's that easy, right?

Anyway this verse really helped me keep perspective that I don't have to live by everyone else's timelines. There is a reason we are all made different and unique and I shouldn't try to compare myself to others, as a good rule in general but more specifically in society's expected: high school-college-marriage-kids-all-by-30-and-in-that-order-if-you're-"normal" timeline.

Previously, I was involved with a blog called Green LightRevolution. This blog was a collaboration of single Christian females who would write about our struggles, particularly as single women in a society that seems to constantly ask the question, “So, is there someone special in your life?” This blog was our vulnerabilities and revelations as Christian women in today’s society. While no posts are currently being updated onto this blog, I highly recommend you check it out. There is some great stuff on there that really encouraged my growth as a Christian, as a woman, and simply as a human being.

On this blog I wrote a post with this particular verse that I'd like to share with you here.

 I hope it's helpful to you. Just me being real... see you next time.

P.S. What's your favorite Bible verse and why?

My Favorite Thing About...

Recently at church, we've been doing this thing where every few weeks, one of the members will come up and share their favorite thing about Jesus. It’s been really good being reminded of all the indescribably amazing characteristics of Jesus Christ. It’s also been really interesting getting an insight into the hearts and minds of my church family, seeing what things they think they lack, or what they value based on what their favorite aspect of our Savior is.  But it got me thinking, “What is MY favorite thing about Jesus?” I went back and forth for a few weeks going over a few of Jesus’ attributes:

1.       Power

A year ago, this would have been my default answer. Being 5’3”, a woman, and shy, I have rarely felt like I had power. That made it something to admire in others. I love that Jesus has power. He’s not just talk. He has the power and integrity to back up his words and promises with action. He has the power to “git ‘er dun”. (Sorry, folks, my Missouri is coming out.) He can change anything!

2.       Control

He has everything in His hands. So often I feel completely out of control, out of my depth, lost. I am an over-thinker and I have a tendency to worry. But I don’t have to worry about anything because God is in control. He knows the end from the beginning; he is outside of time, and has the power to be in control.

3.       Love

He has the deepest, unfailing, faithful, unfathomable, unconditional, unchangeable love. He gave up everything for me! God gave up his only Son, so that if I believed in him, I could have eternal life, completely and perfectly in connection with the one and only perfect God, creator of the universe. He chose me. I am NOT perfect, as evidenced by the title of my blog and by my life for those who know me. I have made, I don’t know how many mistakes, yet he chose me to be a part of his family while I was still the dirty ragamuffin out in the yard refusing to obey. He loves me completely because he knows me completely. He’s seen all my dirty laundry, he knows my innermost thoughts and desires, and he loves me. Nothing I can ever say or do will change his mind on loving me. I can’t change his opinion, no matter how hard I try.

With all these attributes in mind, I came to the conclusion that my favorite thing about Jesus is that he makes me feel safe. It’s the combination of these attributes, and just the overall character of God that makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel safe. The depth of his love helps me trust his control over the things in my life, ultimately over all of me, because I know his plan is perfect for me. And I can rest knowing he has the power to actually be in control and to change what He wills in my life, and in the world.  

My favorite thing about Jesus is that he makes me feel safe.

Why the Title?

“Rambling of the Imperfect” came to me on a long drive across the state late at night. I was contemplating conversations I’d had with friends on my visit and reconsidering whether or not to start this blog. Questions swam in my head: what would it be called? What would I write about? So, I started thinking back through my life.

The only true constant in my life has been Jesus Christ. I met Jesus going to church as a young girl, learning about Him from my parents and in Sunday School. But it really hit home on a Christian TV program for children called Becky’s Barn. At the end of each episode they’d do a little ditty on the gospel and I remember being scared because they said people who didn’t believe in Jesus were going to hell. So, I immediately ran upstairs to ask my mom if it was true and if I could ask Jesus into my heart. I was four years old. She talked and prayed with me. I remember sitting at the top of the stairs waiting for my father to come home from work so I could tell him what happened. He prayed with me there too. And I remember feeling physically better, happy, relieved; I knew in that moment I was not going to hell. Around 12 years old, I was questioning my salvation and whether or not I’d really understood that decision as a 4-year-old. I remember praying over and over, asking Jesus to come into my life, to show me if I’d really been saved. I remember I was in the bathroom (a great place for revelation) praying for salvation for the umpteenth time, when a thought came as clear as day, “Why are you asking when you already know the answer?” and that was it, all the clarity I needed: a "duh!" moment. A few months later, I was baptized, recognizing my decision to submit to Christ all my heart, soul, body, and mind, my whole life in front of my family of believers who could keep me accountable.

It was a year or two later at a youth camp when I was filled with the Holy Spirit. At that time, I was with a group of church kids who weren’t really sure of the validity of all this “spirit stuff”, sure that everyone was “just faking it”. In this particular meeting, several people had gone to the front of the auditorium to be prayed for to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Off to the left, a group of them were laying on the floor, some laughing hysterically, some were crying, and some were speaking in gibberish. I skeptically went over to look and laugh at those who were obviously acting ridiculous. I began laughing at them, and it was almost like the laughter overtook me. I was laughing uncontrollably now; I couldn't stop! I was filled with a joy that resonated through my soul, seemed to touch every part of my body. (Needless to say, it was a good ab workout.) I fell on the floor with the others and continued to laugh for several hours, even after they had to kick us out of the building to lock up.

Since then, there have been ups and downs in my life, but I have known with certainty that I can rely on God – the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, as a constant in my life that will never let me down.

The older I get, the more I realize just how screwed up the world is and how imperfect I am. I make mistakes all the time. I can be inconsistent, I can let commitments fall through, I can say and do things I regret.... over and over again. This only serves to remind me time and time again, just how much I need Jesus. I am imperfect; He is perfect and yet he chose to adopt me into his family, to let me be in relationship with Him, to love me so much that the only possible response is to love Him back.

So in thinking about what to title these crazy thoughts of mine to be posted on the inter-web, "Rambling of the Imperfect" just seemed right.

Hello World!

Hello there Reader!

You may be thinking, "Oh great! Yet another crazy blogger added to the already inundated blogosphere! What could this girl possibly have to say that someone else isn't already saying?"

To answer this query (that you may or may not have been thinking up to this moment), I will address the Who, the What, and the Why of this particular blog.

WHO?

I am a mid-20s single female living in Missouri, USA. I enjoy music of all kinds (especially acapella), ballroom dancing, and being with people. I dislike arrogance, chocolate (minuscule amounts in moderation is acceptable), and all things gummy (excluding old people with no teeth, they’re okay).  I love Jesus Christ, my family, and my church.

WHAT?
I anticipate the majority of my writings to concern my thought processes over revelations I’ve had reading my Bible, talking to my family-in-Christ. However, I also want to be honest about things I am struggling through. I'm sure a few random topics and anecdotes will get thrown in there too.

WHY?

I find that it’s often good to share with one another our honest struggles, to be vulnerable. It’s also encouraging to hear from one another what God is saying through His words in scripture. Also, I find that I process life easier if I can write it out, or just know that someone else is having the same thoughts I am. 

Honestly, I probably will say nothing that you haven't heard before in some way, shape, or form. However, I may say it in a way that finally makes sense, or with a different perspective than you've previously encountered. And I find that gathering stories, experience, advice and insight from as many different places as possible ultimately gives the best picture, as well as keeps things interesting.

So if at times you face struggles, feel lonely, need a perspective change, enjoy praying for others, want some links to other inspiring blogs, talks, and videos, or just want to kill some time… check out “Rambling of the Imperfect”!

I hope and pray that you'll be able to get something from my ramblings, even if it's only a laugh at my expense. I look forward to this adventure with you!